Life with Bulimia & Orthorexia

Eating disorders - something that is so taboo and often overlooked, not taken seriously, or not understood. Nobody asks for an eating disorder and nobody can just simply stop having one. Those suffering often feel a great deal of suffering, pain, depression, and alone, as it can be hard to find comfort in confiding in someone to share what you may be going through. Because of these reasons mentioned above, I’ve never fully discussed my experience with eating disorders. I never wanted to make ED recovery a focus of my account. I don’t know if this was due to shame, fear that people would not understand, or fear of judgement. But as my platform continues to grow and I continue to come into contact with so many beautiful girls, I am constantly reminded that I AM NOT ALONE. Although not all woman may suffer or be diagnosed with an actual eating disorder, more often than not, they have suffered through some form of disordered eating or issues with body image. Talking to so many girls every day, I have realized that too many of us suffer silently when there is so much support that could be offered. I had a long talk with Thomas (my boyfriend) the other night about my situation and he urged me to share, because even if no one cares to read this, if even one person finds some sort of relief or resonates with my story, it will be worth my time. My story is a long one, so I am going to keep things short, but I hope that if you’re suffering through an eating disorder or disordered eating, that you can find some peace and/or help through my story.

I don’t want to bore you with all the minute details into what caused my disordered eating journey, as I can’t pinpoint exactly where it began. For starters, I was in a 7 year relationship with a guy that did not make me feel my best or support my wellbeing and it was a difficult time to say the least. This is where I remember it beginning. I would always feel so unworthy, less-than, and like I couldn’t live up to the standards I thought he deserved. I was unhappy with my body, because I wasn’t rail-thin, have any ab definition, or fit into a size 0 - the “standard” of beauty. I found myself constantly comparing myself to others. I would constantly “body check” and couldn’t leave a mirror without lifting up my shirt to check my bloating. Mind you, at this point in time, I didn’t necessarily consume the healthiest diet. I drank alcohol, ate out a lot, and consumed a lot of refined-sugar and processed foods. Let me preface- I was never overweight, just had a little extra cushion for the pushing (This was in my opinion). During that seven year relationship, I could count on one hand the amount of times I went in public wearing a bathing suit.

I don’t know why, or when, I first purged and I can’t recall the first experience as it’s all a blur. However, it wasn’t something that was happening every day or after every meal. I wasn’t concerned, because it was only every now and then and typically after I ate out and over did it. I hid it from everyone and never felt the need to explain myself or seek help because it’s not an eating disorder if it’s not everyday right? Wrong.. This was the start of my hell.

The sporadic purging continued for a couple years and got increasingly worse. Again, I never got to a point where I was restricting food or purging after every meal. But it came with no surprise, that if I were going out for sushi, it probably wasn’t going to last in my stomach long after. I felt ashamed of my actions, but I couldn’t stop. For those who have never suffered from a purging disorder, this may be hard to understand. But simply put, for those suffering from bulimia, it is a disease of the mind. Once the thought is there, it will not go away. You think about it constantly until you do it. It is the scariest, most debilitating thing. For me, rock bottom was when I was at my grandmothers house for Christmas. I found myself in the bathroom after dinner, sink running so nobody could hear me, and I did it. I remember sitting on the floor of the bathroom and I started crying. How could I have let myself get this low?

Fast forward, my relationship ended with this guy and a while later I met the biggest blessing I could have asked for - Thomas. I didn’t want to get into another relationship, but he was heaven-sent and I knew I couldn’t pass any chance with him up. Our relationship, from day one, was incredible. I was so happy that I kind of forgot (and didn’t care anymore) about my disordered eating. Yes, I would still have thoughts, but I was able, for the most part, to keep them in the back of my mind. The purging never fully halted, but it was not happening nearly as frequently as it usually did. And then came the diagnosis.. Thomas was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer and our worlds were rocked. I was working two jobs, going to school, and was his sole provider. He had no family in the state at this time, so the responsibility was fully placed on me - and we had only been seeing each other about a year at this point. I was sleeping on the cot in the hospital room for days on end during his treatment. It was around this time that I got serious about my schooling and knew I wanted to do something in nutrition but switched my degree from becoming an RD to the holistic route as this was something I truly believed in.

At this point, I had gained a little weight - from stress, eating out, always being on the go, and my never-ending schedule of responsibilities. Not only that, but with starting my holistic nutrition education, I was becoming more and more aware of the impact nutrition and lifestyle has on our health. I was determined to take everything I was learning my studies and implement them into Thomas life. We were going to get through this. However, this brought on a sense of obsession, you could say. I was so worried about the impact foods can have on our overall health, I was constantly thinking about it, constantly worried about what he was putting into his body. Then I started worrying about myself.. I didn’t ever want to have to go through this. So my diet changed over night. No processed foods, no sugars, no carbs (don’t ask me why). We didn’t eat out and if we did it had to be an organic restaurant and I would scour the menu beforehand to make sure we had options.

I slowly started to loose weight, and in all honestly, I really didn’t notice. Until people started making comments.. “You’re so thin.” “You’ve lost so much weight.” “You look great!” “You look too skinny.” “Were worried about you.” “Omg, what have you been doing, I want to try!” The messages were mixed, but for some reason, I was thriving off of them. I was working out an insane amount, even when my body couldn’t handle it. I would push myself until no end. I had never had the body I always dreamed of, until now. I had a 6-pack. I fit into a size 0 jean. My legs were tiny and I had the ever so thought after thigh gap (whatever that is). I was so stoked to finally be at this place that most women seek to be and that I had dreamt of being at for years prior. But, at this point, things started to spiral downhill and I realized I was not only being a hypocrite, preaching health and positive relationships with food, but my health was at risk.

I stopped seeing my friends, because I knew food was going to be involved. I couldn’t eat out unless I scoured the menu and if there weren’t options for me, I wouldn’t eat.

I had no energy. I could barely get my workout done, let alone finish a work shift, walk my dog, or partake in normal activities I loved (Prior to this, I would spend hours a day outside skateboarding and I couldn’t even walk up a hill without fatigue).

I couldn’t sleep. I suffered from insomnia. I would get around 3 hours a night, of the lowest quality sleep you could imagine.

I was irritable and angry. My boyfriend just beat cancer, I should be the happiest woman in the world. (This is still something I struggle with not hating myself for).I would find myself getting annoyed easily, yelling at my dogs for no reason, etc. I was no fun to be around. I felt as though I had a grey cloud hanging above me.

I lost my period.. for over two years and am still struggling to get it back. This caused my body to go into a pre-menopausal state. Menopause happens typically in a women's 50’s-60’s, not at 26. My bones suffered and I was at high risk for developing Osteoporosis.

I was always cold. Even in 70 degree weather I would be layered up like the Michelin man.

My relationships suffered. I stopped hanging out with friends due to the anxiety.

My orthorexia was worse than ever. I couldn’t put anything in my mouth that I didn’t make. I would get angry if Thomas ate anything “bad”. I knew I was under-fueling my body, but I couldn’t bring myself to eat more.

The scale.. my best friend at the time. I’d weigh myself in the morning and If I wasn’t under a certain weight, I would restrict until the light-headedness came and then I would eat. At the end of the night, I would weight myself after dinner. If I was over my “end of the day” weight, I wouldn’t allow myself to consume anything else and would usually go on a walk or do some form of activity to make that number go down, or the anxiety would set in.

My days revolved around my meals and my workouts. I wouldn’t plan anything with anyone, because once I was off of work, my workout needed to get done. And then I needed to eat at this certain time. Nobody could interfere with that.

My body was in fight or flight mode. Simply put, my body was so under-fueled that it literally only had enough fuel to simply LIVE. All of my energy was going to keeping my alive that other bodily symptoms halted. (My reproductive system.- loosing my period, being cold all of the time - your body doesn’t have enough energy to warm itself up. My fatigue, etc.).

My mental health suffered. Ask this point, I hadn’t told anyone - not even Thomas. Holding that inside can really mess you up. The guilt, feeling so ashamed, feeling unworthy. I was experiencing feelings of giving up. I knew my restriction and orthorexia was wrong and I knew exactly what I needed to do to fix it, but I couldn’t. So finally, I opened up. First, to my mom and Thomas. They wanted to push me to get treatment, but I was a nutritionist. Why would I need to go to therapy when I know exactly what needs to be done? So I refused. I promised I would work on it myself.

Fast-forward to present day. I am going to be one-hundred percent honest and say that I am not perfect and I still have so much to work on. Although I may have not gained enough weight to balance my hormones or get my period back, I have worked endlessly on my mental wellbeing in terms of my relationship with food. I can go out and eat a meal (yes, there is still anxiety at times) without going home and purging. I still care about ingredients and consuming a whole-food diet because I genuinely enjoy it and want to promote optimal health for my own well-being, but every now and then we all have to treat ourselves. I can hang out with friends and enjoy an “unhealthy” treat and know that I am not going to gain a million pounds from it. I can miss a workout and know that my progress will not all be loss. The scale is still something I am working on (and frankly, just need to throw out the window) but it also holds me accountable in seeing weight gain, but I can go to sleep at night without weighing myself after a meal.

I felt the need to share my own story, because I know so many girls are suffering from similar situations and disordered eating. You are not alone. So many of us suffer silently, which only increases the anxiety, symptoms, and wreaks havoc on our mental health. It is okay to talk about and to reach out for help. As women, our hormones are incredibly important to our well-being. We are meant to have a little fat on our bodies - they’re made to do amazing things (like carry babes!). They aren’t made to be 14% body fat and a size 00 (for most). Along this journey, the one thing I want to scream at the top of the mountains, is that ITS NOT WORTH IT. The 6-pack abs, the 14% body fat, the smaller clothing, none of it. It doesn’t get you the job you always wanted, it doesn’t make people like you more (if i’m being honest, I pushed people away), it doesn’t make you happier, and you NEVER reach that feeling of fulfillment you so long after. It is never enough and that it what is most scary. What is your breaking point?

Life is meant to be lived, not coasted through. I know it may seem far-fetched and unattainable right now, but finding balance is doable. It takes practice, trial and error, and does not happen over night. But with commitment you will see small improvements and those are triumphs to celebrate. You don’t want to look back 10 years from now and realize that you spent most of your life dieting, restricting, and unfulfilled all to reach an unattainable goal. One thing I learned through Thomas’s diagnosis, that I still have to remind myself of time to time, is how lucky we are to wake up every day healthy and to be living. THAT is what fuels my fire on my own wellness journey and should be an inspiration for anyone else as well. I just want anyone reading this, suffering from something similar, to know you can always reach out! Don’t be ashamed. Don’t feel guilt. But get help. Because it will only improve your quality of life. xoxo.